Just Like That!

Having bitterness toward those who have not reacted as I expected, I brought it to the Lord this morning. Really, it was more of a confession of unloving thoughts and my long time tendency to write people off when they hurt me (something I regularly struggle with).

 

Proverbs 18:24 AMP says, The man of many friends [a friend of all the world] will prove himself a bad friend, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Just Like That, He reminded me no matter how disappointed and betrayed I feel by others, I always have Jesus, who will always stick by me.

Lesson – Rather than allowing disappointments by others bring bitterness and hurt, let it remind us Jesus is the greatest friend of all. 

Believe

Believe

According to Your time,

According to Your will.

The God who performed miraculous wonders,

is Sovereign above all still.

 

When we ask in Jesus’ name,

Giving You glory in all we achieve.

You will accomplish and deliver through us-

If in our hearts we do believe.

-Shelly 11/27/07 

Default Thoughts

Practically every morning during my Quiet Time, Janet Jackson shows up. Let me explain. With praise music playing and scripture coming off the pages, words of inspiration flood me so heavily I am afraid I won’t get them on paper before I lose the ‘connection’. Something will distract me, like my need for another cup of coffee or my cat meowing and without fail, I hear the lyrics at the end of Jackson’s Control, Don’t Make Me Lose It! It’s been this way for years.

 

I’ve heard people describe ‘Default Songs’ as what plays in their head when they let their mind wander. (My Default Song is Big House- Come, and go with me to my Father’s house… it’s a big, big house with lots and lotsa room, a big, big table with lots and lotsa food…)

 

After years of regularly reading the Bible, passages pop into my head dependant on immediate circumstances. When I wrote Thankful for Suffering in honor of Thanksgiving, I had the verse about being thankful in every circumstance in mind the entire day as my “Default Thought”. Despite my intentions, I didn’t took the time to look up where Paul had preached it.

 

When I opened my paper journal this morning, there it was in my own handwriting dated 11/24/07 – and I have absolutely NO recollection of reading the verse, much less writing it down: Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thess. 5:16-18

 

Personally, I believe this is the Holy Spirit conforming my mind to be like Christ’s.  Regardless of what you attribute such apparent ‘coincidences’ to, you have to admit it is pretty amazing to see how our thoughts ‘have a mind of their own’. This is why I stopped reading romance fiction and let friends know there are some topics I cannot discuss because of my weaknesses. Know your triggers, whether it be holidays, movies, people, whatever. As Paul says, (and I will look this one up!) even if something is not a temptation for me, it may be for who I am with or whoever is watching me. Ironically, I tend to be more liberal around my Christian friends who have a solid belief system and not easily influenced by the world around them.

 

Pastor Joel used an example this weekend of being so committed to his wife that he did not worry about being tempted by other women; therefore, he is free to hug others without concern. Admittedly, when he said that, I thought “Ohhh, he better be careful, he’s human and can fall into temptation like the rest of us!” Now I understand I too have areas where I cannot be tempted. Just as I would never consider abusing an animal, he would never consider cheating on his wife.

 

*** I just went online to look up a concluding verse and this was on my Google home page… I think Jesus wants me to use this quote by Two Listeners instead of a verse: 

To dwell in thought on the material, when once you live in Me is to call it into being. So you must be careful only to think of and desire that which will help, not hinder, your spiritual growth. Think thoughts of ill-will and ill surrounds you, and those about whom you think. Think Love, and Love surrounds you, and all about whom you think.

Hard to Believe

November 25^th Sunday

So we see that they were not able to enter, because of their unbelief.                     Hebrews 3:19

 

 

Day after tomorrow, I go back to the doctor to assess if I am ready to return to work. Just the thought of the piles of case work, demands from my supervisor and needs of my clients is enough to induce a Crohn’s attack. Yet the bills come regardless of my lack of income.

 

While I always (at least try to) seek God’s will first, I frequently consult with one of my Pastor’s who holds me accountable as he helps identify when I am falling into my unhealthy patterns. It is so important to have someone who knows the ugly side of us, the side that ‘gets tired of doing the right thing’ so they can confront us when we stray. This Pastor-Friend has that role in my life.

 

Yesterday morning, after spending time with Jesus, I opened my mail program to email a request for Pastor-Friend to pray for my career direction. I just find it hard to believe that I am suppose to stay in a job that is literally hazardous to my health, yet my desires often cloud my understanding of God’s will so I need ‘godly counsel’.

 

At the exact minute of opening the email, I received a message from my Pastor-Friend telling me of a saint who used his bouts with depression to encourage others through his writing. I excitedly thought this was a sign from God telling me he wants me to write full time and he will make a way for that to happen, maybe even before my doctor’s appointment! Well, the more I read about the saint, the less assurance I had as the article described how Jesus waited until he was 30 to publicly go into his full-time ministry. Jesus, the perfect Son, worked hard as a carpenter until just the right time to spread the Gospel. Obviously, he was equipped and qualified from day one to do his job, yet he had to wait.

 

Oh no, what if God wants me to wait longer? But Lord, I promise to give you all of the glory if you just put me in a writing job! I opened my Bible study and read the following:

 

We implement the plan and accomplish only what we can. We ask God to bless our plan, and then promise to give Him the glory when He does. Yet God is not glorified by making our plans succeed. He receives glory when His will is done in His way. (Blackaby)

 

Ouch! Now I don’t know what to do except wait, trust, and believe God will reveal His plan at the perfect time. Hebrews 3:7-19 tells how the children of Israel spent 40 years wandering in the desert because they did not trust and believe God would deliver them. Forty years!! Dear God, I believe! Please help me overcome my unbelief! (Mark 9:24)

Thankful for Suffering

My apologies… I cannot figure out how to break lines with this new code. That is why my entries have been in one paragraph. I know it is hard to read and am working on fixing it. While I received a couple Thanksgiving Dinner invitations from dear friends, I chose to spend yesterday alone in my cottage. I sent MySpace comments, text messages and emails to friends expressing gratitude for having them in my life. I was thankful for virtual communication allowing me to avoid socializing. As the day progressed, I really wanted the traditional Thanksgiving meal. (I was hungry and fast food joints were closed.) I swallowed my pride and called Michele who lives approximately 30 minutes away. Because it was already dark, I thought I could ask if she had leftovers, could I get them tomorrow to have something to look forward to. It didn’t come to that as Michele offered to bring me a plate right then. She warmed my heart as she said, “I’m sorry, Shelly… I assumed you would be eating with your church friends. Let me bring you a plate… if you want some company, I’ll stay and chat. If not, I’ll just drop off the food and leave. I understand wanting to be alone.” Wow. That meant so much to me. We ended up having a two hour discussion that was long overdue.   As I told Elaine earlier, I hesitate to share my struggles during this depressive episode. I don’t want to make people uncomfortable or perceive me as assuming the role of a victim. Yet if I don’t share how low I get, God won’t get the glory when He lifts me up, and He daily gives me hope to get through this. I want people to know God is able to strengthen us in any situation. I BELIEVE that more than ever as I am going through this season. Just like the Apostle Paul details all he endured to follow Jesus, that is why I share my struggles. With all my heart, I want people to see my struggles and my unwavering devotion to living for Christ so they know He is Worth It. I am not a Christian just to get into heaven; I am a Christian because life without Jesus is not an option for me. I can endure anything as long as He is with me. I pray that others read of my struggles and the Holy Spirit touches their heart in an encouraging manner to glorify God for His justice, provision, and sovereignty. As a practical example, although I am on unpaid leave for at least one month, Wednesday my rent, car payment, car insurance, utilities, and home phone were all paid. Not by me… they were paid by Him. He promised to take care of me… and Praise God – He is!! The enemy tries to discourage us… and he succeeds just as he did yesterday when I was alone on Thanksgiving. But when we are filled with the joy of Jesus, it drowns out that discouragement. Know that. BELIEVE that. Keep the faith no matter what you suffer. Then give God the glory that is rightfully his.We tell them how your faith stays so strong even when people make it hard for you and make you suffer. God wants you to prove yourselves to be worth being in His holy nation by suffering for Him. He does what is right and will allow trouble to come to those who are making it hard for you. He will help you and us who are suffering. (2 Thess. 1:4-7 NLV)

Grace Given According to Need

I just listened to the same Beth Moore Podcast 3 times where she used two different examples of being humbled and inspired by someone with a disability. The timing was perfect as I had gently disagreed with a friend from church who had insisted my purpose is inspiring others by persevering despite my disability. In my stubborn manner, I asserted, “But I am not succeeding… in fact, I am doing the very thing I have spent my career advocating against – people with disabilities not being self-sufficient”. She debated with words but her tears were what broke me, telling me she was being sincere when she said I am a gift from God. Then I listened to Beth Moore talk about singing “Blessed Be the Name” (which we ironically had sung at church the day before) near a man with disabilities when she thought I have no clue what I am saying here with ‘You give and take away.’ God, I am going to let him have this one. I’ll sing on “I’m Forgiven”.  Her point was no matter what that man was going through, if he was in God’s will, he was being prosperous in his journey. She ended the broadcast with a story about parents of a child with significant disabilities and someone saying “I could never do that (parent a child with such needs).” Beth told her she didn’t know that, grace is given according to need. As long as we are in God’s will, we will be prosperous. Grace is given according to need. I humbly admit my friend was right. When others see us glorifying God regardless of our circumstances, we are being prosperous… maybe not according to worldly standards but prosperous in what truly matters (if we are following God’s will). Also, we never know what we could or could not endure until we are faced with the situation. Grace is given according to need… and His grace is sufficient for all we need (2 Cor. 12:9). He knows what we need even more than we do. Seems to me He’s got things covered.

Understanding Depression

I have an old friend who connects with me a couple times per year to meet for lunch. He is my mother’s age and I know from previous discussions he does not believe in depression. Yesterday, he called wanting to know my work schedule to meet me as he comes from a neighboring city. With the questions he was asking, I reluctantly admitted I am on leave from work which he jumped all over me for; “You’re going to lose your job! Just snap out of this… you know better than to go that mental route. When was the last time you went to the beach? That’s your problem right there – you need to get some fresh air!” I kept telling myself he didn’t understand… he couldn’t understand. But he continued telling me to stop this stuff and how I need my job. After 10 minutes of this,  I finally retorted:Do you think I want to feel this way? Do you honestly believe I am risking poverty, homelessness, and losing my job for the heck of it? It’s not as easy as you are making it! He scolded me for my ‘weaknesses’, giving me a list of things I should do that would cure me. Finally, I snapped, I can’t attend to my client’s needs when I have to focus everything I have on making it through the day!His lack of compassion is not his fault; he doesn’t understand. And there is no way for me to make him understand if he has not experienced clinical depression. I went to talk to someone at the church yesterday about my finances. She knows me, yet I was still apprehensive about confiding my difficulties of immobilization, inability to focus (which she quickly discovered when I couldn’t remember basic demographic information!) and hopelessness. After all, Christians shouldn’t be depressed – their hope is in God (as the world says). As I am sitting in her office, claiming I cannot work right now, her coworker (and my close friend) comes in with a neck brace in visible pain with obvious limitations who just had surgery a couple weeks ago! She had been working while I looked like a moocher in my jeans and sweatshirt asserting I am too sick to work. There simply is no way to fuly understand one another. That has become my condolence as well-meaning friends walk away when I fall into a funk. My ultimate comfort, however, is my Father understands. He knows my sincerity, my pain, my hopelessness, my fear, my loneliness. Jeremiah took comfort as he prayed, You understand, O Lord; remember and care for me (Jeremiah 15:15). No matter what we are experiencing, He understands. He remembers, he cares.

Bring Me Some Water

Sharing thoughts with others puts one in a vulnerable position since there’s no way to know how words will be received and perceived. We never know how our actions, behaviors, and conversations are going to be taken. The more personal the communication, the more chance of being hurt, both by the communicator and the recipient. We are human, and we are going to speak and react in ways that hurt others. God keeps bringing me back to Isaiah 58 9-11.If you have read previous entries, you may remember I recently asked God how I would get out of this deep depression. He led me to the passage in Isaiah, telling me I needed to encourage the oppressed, help the needy, and encourage others first – NOW. Don’t wait until I feel better, do it NOW.♥But God, what about my bills, my job, my future… As I tried to challenge him with my priorities, he kept telling me to encourage others NOW. Okay, I didn’t understand but I asked him to help me BELIEVE him, TRUST him, and OBEY him. After all, I had to take sabbatical BECAUSE I was burned out from counseling others, yet he was asking me to do the very thing I was trying to escape?  It didn’t make sense to me. Don’t you understand I am burned out?The verse came back to me: IF you spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, THEN your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday. Recently, I have been telling friends I need to get out of the counseling field, maybe even get away from disabilities for awhile. My pastor reminded me what a gift I have in counseling, how I am able to relate to people with and without disabilities. He was surprised to hear how burned out I am and asked me to tell him about my clients… “Oh, I love my clients, all 123 of them.” I proceeded to tell him it’s the paperwork and regulations that keep me from being there for my clients. I let them down as I make all of these promises to be there for them and help however I can, only to have performance standards and template requirements demanding priority. I cannot keep doing what I have been doing these past 6 months. It is literally killing me. Lately, I have been receiving emails from readers that are empowering me, making me feel like I am actually doing good for others. Some are from total strangers who I have no idea how they found my writing, others are from friends asking for permission to forward my writing to someone who is hurting and needs encouragement. Knowing how people withdraw when I tell them ‘uncomfortable’ things makes me determined not to shrink (no pun intended) away when others share they are facing homelessness, terminal illness, and other forms of oppression. In fact, I can’t turn away as they remain in my heart while I talk to Jesus about them. It is not enough just to say “I’ll pray for you” when we see others in need, we must actively do something as written in James 2:15-17:Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, “Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead. What can I do, Lord? How can I help? I have no money, I have nothing to give them… He reminded me…You have me, You have my love, You have My Word. Let me take care of the rest.  I received an incredible email this morning from a friend follows the James’ words as he wrote to me:         Notice, God uses all things…Even our failures, heartaches, and deepest loses can be used for His ultimate glory. He turns the crucified death of his children to the flesh into resurrection life of his sons. But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name (John 1:12.) Your great God does this not only in some things but in all things. He is the God that sees the sparrow fall and knows the number of hairs on your head. He uses all things and transforms them into glory. „And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)  Shelly, you are called.   You are loved.  Stay the course my sister!  Jesus loves you and has come that you might have life and life abundant. He promises you will successfully cross the finish line.  Others need to know and He is going to use your life to tell them. Stay the course! As I consider the main thing that is sustaining me through this season in the desert, I am humbled to realize it is the very thing I feel God calling me to share with the oppressed and afflicted: His Word. No matter how depressed or tired I get, He has never failed to provide me with words of encouragement. When I sit down at the keyboard, His words flow through me like a spring from my heart… He is calling me to use His words to water gardens besides my own. Those in darkness that need His Light, and those in a sun-scorched land which need living water from the fountain of life. *****Personal Note – While searching scripture for an end to this piece, I was led to the following verse which brought such an awe that I truly want to pick up the phone and call someone, to tell them how amazing God is! Instead, I decided to tell Him how amazing he is.Regular readers may recall my recent theme word is “believe”, how I have been like the father of the ill son who asks Jesus to help him believe, knowing for God to work in our lives, we must not only ask but also believe. I’ve been asking God to help me believe and recently started telling him I do believe he will help me, I do believe. Then I read the following verse, which is the perfect ending: “Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him.” God is faithful; if we do our part, he does His part. The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose water never fail. – Isaiah 58:11 John 6:35 –I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. 

What Can I Do?

Disturbing conditions for Serbia’s disabled 

That’s My Job

My entire life, I have believed God’s will for me was to encourage others with disabilities and afflictions. After all, there is a reason why I talk and walk differently from others. Having a passion for writing with the gift of introspection and a brain that is able to cognitively process information, the way I am created had made my purpose in life evident – until a few months ago. I’ve been struggling to discover why I am here. Obviously, God still has work for me to do since he hasn’t called me home to heaven. I am fine not having a husband… I am quite happy not having children… but not having a purpose, at least not knowing His purpose for me, is unbearable.

Yesterday, while driving to a meeting with a pastor, I was thinking about how I am failing to make a dent in the world around me. As usual with depression, I started feeling self-pity, wondering why I keep fighting, why can’t I just go home? Of course, the decision to leave this earth is not mine so I have no choice in the matter. I thought about Jesus, how he was rejected and denied even by his closest friends (i.e. Peter) yet he kept doing His Father’s will. He stayed focussed on His mission, knowing and doing what truly mattered.

I want to be like Jesus.  As I sat at the red light, I told God, “Jesus knew what his purpose was… I don’t know what Your will for me is so I can’t focus on my  purpose.”

I don’t know what my vocational purpose is or how God wants me to live for Him. I do know that I want to be like Jesus – and that is one of the few things in life that never changes. My frustration is with not knowing how my disability and writing plays in the picture. But maybe I have the picture too narrow. Maybe I am concentrating so much on seeing the vision that I am missing the big picture. After all, even Jesus didn’t have all the answers as he asked the Father why he had forsaken him (Matt. 27:46).

 As I spoke with the pastor, I felt as if I was the recipient of a group hug as we discussed things related to being part of the Body of Christ, being part of a church family. I was reminded how much I am cared for and loved. I was assured, once again, that I was going to be okay and I am not in this alone.

When it all comes down to it, isn’t that what is most important? To know Jesus loves us and will never let us go? Truly, regardless of what is in our bank account, refrigerator, or family album, none of it matters without feeling safe and loved. Jesus gave up everything to give us that security and love. But we must accept it, take the gift. As Christians, being like Jesus is our universal purpose. Even if our job duties are unclear, we must show up for work. God will tell us where he needs us to work. Until he does, sit at his feet and wait. He may want you to stay and talk with him awhile, free from distractions. Not only does he have the Master Plan, he has everything taken care of… including you.

Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. – Colossians 3:1,2